Playboy's Christmas Cards

Girls I Need Like Hole In Head Bring Testosterone Instead

To a Penniless Crony The gift for her (remember, son) If you are short on pelf Has been decreed by Emerson: "A portion of thyself."

To a Waste of Time Christmas comes but once a year. I more frequently, I fear, Come to you with gift in tow, Giving much and getting no Thanks except a chilly smile, A token kiss, a rather vile Martini and a flat farewell When midnight tolls its lengthy knell. My Yuletide greeting's quickly said: Drop, at your convenience, dead.

To a Wealthy Crony To lure to your lair maidens fetching, For the principal purpose of leching, A tree decorated And artfully baited With gems has it over an etching.

To a Fried Chick Good for you, my sozzled wench! Already you've begun to drench Yuletide woe with Yuletide whiskey, Thereby turning gay and frisky, Routing care and dull remorse. 'Tis a tactic I endorse! Bottoms up, my pie-eyed pet-- May all your Christmases be wet.

Urgent Wire to St. Nick